I live between two houses. The first is in my native land of Lancashire where I live with my beautiful wife. The second is in ‘Saaaf Landan’ (south London) where I reside with one of my best mates from school. The reason for this split of abode in case you’re wondering is because of my work commitments in our nation’s capital.
Up until recently my mate and I have been living in an all lads house but our testosterone filled evenings of beer and FIFA have come to an end because against all the odds he’s found himself a lady friend. They’ve been dating for a short while and have now decided to move in together. Fair play to him because she is a top girl (that’s lad chat for ‘lovely’).
To prove how flippin’ top she is, she has allowed ME to have their spare room! It’s a bit like the film ‘You Me and Dupree’ but with English accents.
Now this is my mates first attempt at cohabiting with a bird so I thought it only fair that I pass on what I learnt from my early moments with the now Mrs Catterall.
Women have a dedicated part of their brain for remembering every piece of clothing that they have ever worn, where they wore it and who they wore it with. As a man you need to know this because if you’re ever going to an event involving your friends it is a woman’s prerogative to state that she ‘has nothing to wear’ even though you can clearly see she has more ‘stock’ in her cupboard than Selfridges have on their shelves. Don’t argue just agree and give her your credit card.
A man will sleep through any sound. A women will hear any sound and be worried about burglars. She will then make every attempt to wake you up and then demand that you check it out. Your instinct will want to tell her to ‘go and f*** her self’. Don’t, just do it.
Women take 20 minutes to choose food from a takeaway menu, Men will take 1 minute. When the food arrives, women always decide that they want to eat the man’s food….. and subsequently do! This WILL annoy the tits off you. Don’t kick off just smile and allow her to do it.
Remember happy wife, equals a happy life!
There will be other things that I’m sure my mate will find out for himself but I would like to remind him of the key bonus (apart from the regular sex) of cohabiting with the female of the species. A woman will go to the toilet and notice that the toilet roll has run out before doing her business. A man will do a shit and then notice, before shouting urgently for his partner to take him some. Women know this and because they never want to see you in that predicament they always make sure the bog roll is fully stocked. It’s been three years since I last wiped my ass on a Maccy D’s serviette! Good times!